Setting The World Right

Perhaps you have asked yourself the question "What one thing would I change to make the world a better place".   If you have, the odds are good that your answer is not as good as Warmheart's.  After all, he is a genius.

Oh, I am tired.   In fact I'm exhausted and I don't know if I can keep my eyes open long enough to tell you my story.  I am going to try, however, because it is a story about one of the greatest achievements in the history of mankind.  And it is an achievement I have just returned from making happen.

Proud?  Sure I am.   When I get into bed and fall asleep tonight, I'm going to have a big smile on my face.   In fact, this may be the most warmhearted thing I have ever done.  

Have you ever stopped for a moment, looked up and thought "What one thing would I do to make the world right"?  I certainly have and then, just the other day, the most extraordinary thing happened to me.   

After watching the nightly news about the impending war with Iraq, I fell asleep.  During the wee hours of the night, I was awoken by a blinding light hovering just over my bed.  I could see that it was a human form, with wings.  That's right, an angel!   I thought I must be dreaming as I watched her float right into my bedchamber.   I rubbed my eyes and pinched myself but, lo, I was not dreaming at all.  

This angel was beautiful in her vague, difficult-to-see way and you can bet your bottom dollar that I was mesmerized.   She didn't say very much at all, only these words and I remember them so clearly:  Because of all the good you have brought the world, Warmheart, you have been given the ability to go back and fix one thing that has happened in this world.  One thing only, though, so choose wisely."   I opened my mouth to sleep but she touched her finger to her beautiful lips.  "Just one thing, Warmheart, so choose wisely. When you have made your selection, tap your heels three times and you will be sent on your journey."

When I awoke in the morning, I had a very special and warm feeling inside.   I knew that it had been real, then, and I knew that I had the power to go and change something.

But what?  What would that thing be?   Should I go and stop Hitler from being born?   Stalin?  George Steinbrenner?   I asked Mrs. Warmheart what she thought.  "What do I think?", she asked.  "Yes".  "I think you're out of your mind."

I asked friends and relatives.  Oh sure, they had some good suggestions, such as having Mark David Chapman miss John Lennon and hit Danny Bonaduce instead.  Others expressed the hopes that I would end world hunger, grief and laugh tracks in sitcoms.  Great ideas, fabulous ones, but not great enough.   I knew there was something that I would do that would right a greater wrong.

And then, around mid-morning, the answer struck me like a one-two combination from George Forman back when he used to be bad.    Just thinking about this catastrophic wrong, this dastardly series of deeds, this wholesale blotting out of all that is right with the world, just thinking about setting it right made leap for joy.   

Friends, I knew in my heart that I had come up with the one thing that would make the world a better place.   

Without giving it a further thought, I closed my eyes and tapped my heels three times.   For a moment, nothing happened.  I began to despair that it had all been a trick my mind had played on me.   Just as I was about to curse the fates, I felt an electronic surge go through me and then felt myself being whisked through time back, back through the days, the months, the years.   A thousand colors flashed by me as the years rolled backwards, back through the 90s, through the 80s, through the 70s and then into the 60s, back to the dark year of 1965.   

Then, just as suddenly as it all had started, the buzzing and whisking ceased.   The colors stopped flying by, and time began flowing normally again.   Though my eyes were still closed, I could tell that I was standing in a quiet suburban neighborhood.  Birds were chirping and there was the sound of someone mowing a lawn nearby.   

You can well imagine that I had a hard time convincing myself to open my eyes.  What would I see?  Would it be what I expected?  The thought occurred to me that perhaps it would be safer to just stand here with my eyes closed.   As I pondered this, the sound of an approaching car reached my ears.   I had to look and see for fear that I might find myself in mortal danger.  Being this close to resolving the greatest wrong the world has ever known caused me to want to be very careful.  After all this gift that was given me was nothing short of miraculous, wouldn't you agree?

With eyes wide open now, I saw that I was standing in a driveway and a car was just now pulling in.   Due to the sun's glare, I could not make out whom the driver was but I graciously moved out of the way.

The car pulled up, and the driver rolled the window down.  Yep, it was him!   You can well guess that I was nervous.   This was it, the ball was rolling.  The chips were down and everything rested on my ability to take this hideous excuse for a man and force him to change his ways.    But how?  With a stab of anxiety filled regret that felt like a steak-knife flowing through my heart, I suddenly realized that I had not thought  this process out.   Gee, how would I convince him?   What in the world would I say that would make him realize he had to change his ways before it was - again - too late?   This man was always so certain and dead-set in his ways that I had a moment of self doubt.

"Who the heck are you, buddy?", came the unmistakable voice from this unspeakable idiot, this ungodly moron.   I decided to cast all fates to the wind and just go for it.

"Who the heck am I?"  I responded.  "Don't worry about that, just get out of the goddamned car.   You and I, nay you and the world  have a score to settle and I 

The uniformed man opened his car door and stepped out. 

"Now get in the goddammed house, asshole!"   I realized in a flash that I was not playing, this was serious.   I now knew that I sure as hell was going to finish my quest as sure as my name is Warmheart.

"W-what do you want?", he asked.

"Is your name Nelson?"

"Y-yes."

"Major Tony Nelson?"

"Why yes, but see here...."

"Shut up and get in that house.  NOW!", I (doctor) bellowed.  

When we were finally standing in his living room, I stood glaring at him, focusing on every moment of frustration and torturous anxiety this man had caused me and countless millions of others in the world.  Each of those moments coalesced into one anger-filled glare of terror.  The idiot Nelson just stood gawking at me.

"What is it?"

"SHUT UP NELSON!", I screamed, my eyes filled with the screams of adolescent youths across America, from around the world in that year of 1965.   Not only 1965, I realized, but forever since.

(Get ready folks, because here comes the f-word.)

I looked at him.   I glared at him.   Finally, the words came to my mouth, starting slowly and quietly, then building - in one short sentence- into a maniacal scream.

"What the FUCK is WRONG WITH YOU?"

He stammered.  "W-wrong with me?"

"YES!!!!", I screamed.  I started to try to explain it all, the years of misery and anxiety, but could only choke out nonsensical syllables.  Then, down to the very fiber of my soul, I knew I had to calm down.  Still  breathing heavily, I managed to lower my voice.   Calm yes, but the depths of emotion in the words I had to say went deeper than the Marianna Trench.  The words came out measured....like a boxer's blows.

"Don't you realize what the hell you're doing here?   Do you not care that you are ruining the lives and minds of millions of American males, young or old?"

"W-what do you mean?" he asked, trying to regain control of himself.

"What do I mean?"  I laughed, and felt the frustration beginning to ebb slightly.  I knew I would make it happen, that the world would be a better place.

"Don't you see?!! You have the chance to live the ultimate guy fantasy.   There is not a man in the entire world who has what you have."

"What, my career as an astronaut?  Well, I suppose I am proud of.."

"No no no no no!   Please listen to me very carefully, because it is vital that you understand me.  Are you listening?   Good.   In fact, here, sit down.   Comfortable?   What I am talking about is in that bottle right  there."

"You..you know about Jeannie?"

"Yes!  We all know about Jeannie.  We all know, all of us.  And I swear to God above that you are ruining all of us every week when you do one certain thing."

"What's that?"

I looked at the bottle and my heart melted.   

"Look at that bottle, Major.   Right there, inside that thing, is every man's fantasy.   Inside that bottle is a beautiful big-eyed girl.   Not only that, but a beautiful girl who is forever devoted to you, to your every wish.  A beautiful girl who would do anything for you and not only that, but could do them by performing feats of magic."  I felt my pulse quickening again, but I had to go with it.

"A beautiful girl who could cause that pink magical dust to flow under your bedroom door and devote herself to giving you every earthly pleasure you could possibly imagine and many more that had never occurred to your dimwitted mind!  But what do you do?!!!  You.....you.....you idiotic moron.....you make her......." I could barely choke the words out.  I pointed at him and spouted the words out accusingly.

"You    make    her    sleep   in  that  god dammed  bottle."

Well, friends, it took some  time.  Major Tony Nelson was a stubborn and determined man.   It took all of an hour of threatening and convincing.  But, sigh, I did it.  I really really did it.  I convinced this man that, for the sake of mankind, he would change his unspeakable ways.    He promised me and I believed him.   In fact, I could hear what sounded like a giggle coming from that bottle.

Before I left, I put an arm around him. "Tony", I said, "there are approximately three billion people who would change places with you.  Not only people who are alive now, but people who are not yet born but who will watch reruns of this show.   For the sake of all of us, and all of those yet to be born, do the right thing. And you know what the right  thing is."

I closed my eyes and tapped my heels again.   I felt the days, the months, and the years begin to move forward again, forward towards home.  Through the 60s, the 70s, the 80s, the 90s, and here, February 6th, the year 2003. 

I heard the television going and eagerly opened my eyes.   The nightly news was on again.    Peter Jennings had a big smile on his face as he announced that George W. Bush and Saddam Hussein were planning another outdoors trip together, the purpose of which to save an endangered bunny rabbit from extinction.  Next came a "where are they now" story about Danny Bonaduce.  It was revealed that he had been inhabiting a grave since October of 1980 when a crazed fan had shot him.  Finally after an interview with sixty-three year old John Lennon who was discussing  the fun the  Beatles had during their most recent reunion tour, I shut the tv off. 

I lay down in my bed, smiling.   I had done it.  As sure as my name is Warmheart, I had made the world a better place.

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