Mrs. Warmheart works at a no-kill animal sanctuary.   She leaves early in the morning and doesn’t return until dark.   She spends her days in the tropical humidity taking care of the over 100 cats in the sanctuary and then comes home usually so exhausted that she even finds it hard to make my dinner.  So you can see that she, like me, has a very tender and warmhearted soul.  

This very morning, while eating a bowl of Cocoa Pebbles and watching a rerun of Happy Days, I got to thinking of her.  Gosh darn it, what could I do that would really make her happy?   The more I thought about it, the more it became my desire to make her day a very special one by giving her the most special of gifts., You know, something she’d always remember.   Then it occurred to me and I snapped my fingers.   Aha!   What better gift could I give then to actually make the drive over myself and pay her a visit?  Although she was always inviting me, I'd only been there once.   That was a time I'd rather forget because her car had broken down and I had to get up out of bed and drive her to work...and then she expected me to go pick her up that evening.   You can bet I had her car fixed that day, so there would be no more of those shenanigans.  I hadn't been back because it takes almost a half-hour to drive there and I had too much to do around the house.  After all, I'm trying to defeat a boss in a computer game..

But, this morning I thought about just dropping in by surprise to see her. I could just picture her, sweating with some cats and then seeing me walking up the drive.   Why, she’d drop that cat, a smile would come over her face, and we’d embrace.    It would be day she’d never forget.   Of course, I'd immediately head  back home. Can't keep the "boss" waiting now can I?

The sanctuary is back in the country, far away from the nearest house, and situated on a dirt road.  I finally made it and hopped out of the car beaming from ear to ear.  I was surprised and you can bet just a little bit angry that I couldn’t find her right away.   The guy who runs the place introduced himself as Larry and told me that she had driven into town to get some medical supplies for a sick kitten.   A sick kitten was the reason I had wasted my time driving down to this dump?

“Well, Larry, if that’s your real name, where is the little bastard?” I asked him.  

“What…little bastard?” he replied.

“The little bastard kitten that’s keeping me from seeing my wife and getting back home.”

He looked shocked for a moment and then laughed.  “Oh, I get it.   He’s right there in that cage” he said and walked off apparently to do some work or something.   It occurred to me later that he thought I was joking about calling the little bastard a little bastard.. 

As I started making my way to the shitty kitten’s cage to seek vengeance, my attention was diverted to an incredibly large kennel of dogs under the sanctuary’s care.   First one started barking at me, and soon about a hundred dogs were joining in the melee.    Angry?   You can bet I was extremely pissed off.  Nobody likes to get barked at.   Do you?   Of course you don’t.   You hate it and so do I.   In fact, I think it’s damn rude.   And you can also bet dollars to donuts that a fellow with a name like Warmheart won't stand idly by when rudeness is happening.   I knew I had to act and act fast.  I walked over and started kicking the cage of the nearest howling dog.   I kicked it so hard that it collapsed and the dog beat it out of there on a dead run.

Larry came running up to me out of breath. 

“What happened here?” he asked, inspecting the battered cage as every dog in the universe was barking and howling. Loudmouth bastards, I thought to myself but out loud I said ”Well, apparently you don’t teach these dogs much discipline”.

“Where did Sunshine go?” he asked.   His manner was brutish, as if I were at fault for all of his troubles. 

“If you mean the stupid mutt that inhabits this cage, the last I saw of Sunshine was her hind legs beating it down the road that way.”

He left, yelling “Oh my God!   Who knows where she could have gone”.   He turned the corner, running down the dusty road in pursuit of the gonzoed hound and I found myself hoping I never met his over-reacting ilk again.

The continued barking and howling of the dogs was starting to drive me bananas.  Here, I came on a mission of goodwill and these hyenas were going to ruin it for me.  The barking!  The incessant barking.   I looked up and thought I saw towers falling on me!  “Shut up!” I cried.  “Please stop it!”   Then over the sounds of harps I could hear the words of a poem. 

It was a poem that my mother used to make me repeat over and over in my closet as a child when I had been bad.   Now I could hear her voice repeating the lines.  

“No one likes a stormy heart that brings the world fear

No one likes a poor me heart that brings the world a sneer

No one likes a whore-mie heart that lures the world here

Everyone likes a warmy heart that brings the world cheer”

I clapped my hands over my ears and tried to shake her voice out of my head.  “Not now mother!” I screamed,  “The dogs!  The dogs!”   but her little rhyme continued over and over, like it always does at times like these.   I snapped a little and looked at the large kennel through insanely entranced eyes.   Each dog was jumping at their cage door but in my reverie I could no longer hear them.   And the naked truth of the situation came to me.  Those poor dogs.   Imprisoned!  Kept behind cages like common murderers!    You could plainly see that they didn’t want to be in their cages.   No, they wanted to run free and this cruel Bin Laden of a man wanted to take away their freedom!    In fact, he wasn’t Larry.  To me and to these berserk dogs, he was Bin Larry!   All of them wanted to be free!    And now that the owner was gone, there was no one there to keep them in their cold, cruel and hostile cages.   

I realized that it was up to me to set them all free.   But I also knew that I must act and act fast.   I ran into the kennel and started unlatching doors.   One huge German Shepherd immediately leapt upon me, biting a huge gouge out of the arm that was covering my face.  He then ran off to who knows where to bite who knows who.   The adrenaline was flowing too strongly for me to feel any pain and I was happy the Shepherd was free to roam like he was born to do.   I jumped back up and continued my quest.  Within five minutes, all the dogs were all free!  FREE!  Some were chasing chickens that lived at the sanctuary.   Others were having a grand time chasing and catching the kittens that were stupidly allowed to run free.   It was a dog wonderland, and all because of me and the voice in my head.   Once again I had performed a work of wonder. 

But wait!   Larry would be back soon.   I wondered if would he understand this freedom?   Would he condone my humane actions?   The answer came to me like an missile flying over a blood-soaked battle field.   NO!    The oppressive bastard would never understand!   What should I do?   I had but one chance and that was to run, to run for my very life.  It was time to get into my truck and head back down the road to my own freedom.   A great dust storm was behind me as I sped along, narrowly missing many of the animals I had just set free.   “FREEDOM!” I yelled out of the window, fist raised in the wind.  “Don’t let Bin Larry take it away!  AHA!!”

 You might say that I became a Freedom Fighter today.   When I got home, I found a bandana and tied it around my head.  Sort of like Rambo.   Well, I felt like Rambo!   I took a look in the mirror and saw a gleam in my eye that had not been there before.  Perhaps I have found my new calling in life, to let the prisoners run free.  I wondered what went through Mrs. Warmheart's mind when she returned to the sanctuary to find that she was married to a true freedom fighter.   I'll bet she stopped for a moment.  I'll bet she smiled. 

What would she do when she came home?   Of course!  She would be so proud of me that she’d throw a party for me, and invite all of our friends.    They’d all bear gifts.   Frankincense.  Myrrh.   Then they’d clamor for me to give a speech telling all about my big day at the sanctuary.   Well, I better sign off now because I want to start writing it.  

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